For those who are retaining/leaving, seriously guys, your lives are so much more than this. Be upset cause that is only natural, cry out loud if you have to but don't wallow too much in self-pity. Bounce back. Come back stronger than you were and shove this fucking system down their throats. It's not who you were that matters, it's who you choose to be now that does. Shit happens y'all but honestly, the most fucked up shit may just turn out to be the best you'd ever get.

I may be the last person you ever want to take advice from, I don't blame you. I never believed anything I tell myself 85% of the time. And, you can say this shit isn't happening to me so it's easier to say all this but I've had my share of this kind of pain and the only way to come back is to bounce back stronger.

A wise wise man once told me, "It's how you bounce back that shows how strong you really are".

I belive with my whole life in that.

I want to be a stand-up comedian

So, you know, I've been terribly busy with so much things of late that I cannot even decide what to do most of the time. I have PW, council things, managing my damned eyes which just refuse to open whenever I'm in front of the laptop except for times when I am surfing Youtube. Don't you come crying to me your life sucks.

But, seriously, I think I have a new ambition now. I used to want to be a teacher when I was young but when I reached puberty and my mind has reached its capacity to observe and infer, I observed that 9/10 times, teachers look and feel miserable. I, then infer, I was and in fact still miserable being in the system and there's no fuck in hell, I'll ever teach.

Which reminds me of something Ryan Stiles said in a show when asked what he would say if his daughter wanted to be a teacher. Genius replied, "Even prostitutes earn more than that, darling". LOL.

But, I love my teachers. (just to be safe here)

Then, I wanted and still want to be a psychologist. And then my mom said, "You cannot even handle yourself you want to handle others. Psycho can ah". I love my mom btw.

But, now, I have a new ambition. I want to be a stand-up comedian. No, asswipe, that wasn't a punchline. The only punch you gonna get is coming from my fist cause that's my current ambition. Don't judge!

I won't stand though cause I tremble a lot when I have to do some public thing, so I'll sit. I have stage fright and nobody in this godforsaken world believes me. You see, being able to talk and being comfortable on stage are different from having no stage fright.... I think. I'm comfortable on stage after a while but I have stage fright and everytime I'm talking especially in school, my mind is a beautiful mess and my heart just pump it man.

Anyway, go watch Katt Williams on Youtube. He is my friggin' idol now.

Until I have a new ambition, the only thing I want to become now is Katt Williams. Minus the hairdo.

A Loooong Post

So, how long has it been since a proper post? Brace yousrself for a looong post.

Last year, on my birthday, I came home from school and I found out that my parents had bought a surprise birhtday cake for me. And you know, if they bother to keep a secret like this, the least I could do was to be surprise. The problem was, they do this every single year! And every year I have to be surprised.

And that same day, they said they wanted to make my 17th birthday a real birthay. A party. A cake. Friends and Family over the house. And I told them, I don't really like birthday cake, not into the party thang. Just want a silent celebration with the family.

And silent it was this year. Woke up last Friday with 22 smses on the phone. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had not silent my phone the previous night? I would have woken up 22 times in one night!

Anyway, no cake. Nothing. And I thought to myself, "Baik ama. Baik. You said you never really like cake and look at what you get. Nothing!". No actually I get this from my father, he smsed "happy birthday. you old now ah, remember".

But, really, the dinner at Breeks later was good so, who actually eats a birthday cake eh?

And this is when I become a lucky bitch. I had fever on Sunday and my WHOLE family and oh, trust me when I say WHOLE, we Malay people have WHOLE family, the mother's sister, the mother's brother's and the wife's and the children and the mother's another brother's and the cousins' and the wife's and the husband's and the postman. God, I swear it is like that.

I can't even remember what I wanted to say now. Oh, so on that Sunday, we were over at my Uncle's place, don't ask which one cause I will take 2.5 hours to explain to you. And so when you have fever and you are in a Baju Kurong and it's a hot day, you get really extra easily irritated and even the Mee Soto is not appetising anymore. See how bad it gets to you.

But, when you hear the happy birthday song and a whole 'legion' of your cousins coming out from the kitchen with a birthday cake, all the fever and the headaches were dispelled! Moral of the story, when you have fever, ask your loved ones to sing happy birthday to you.

No what I'm saying is, I'm blessed to have people who actually love and care about me cause I'm really not an easy creature to be fond with. Well I am if you actually find annoyance, taking ugly photos, talking non-stop, making fun of people who are angry at me aka as my father and mother and all that shit really cute.

And this doesn't really matter but since it's worth 120dollars I have to mention this. The cousins got me 120dollars worth of Esprit Gift Voucher.

Guess who loves Esprit and guess who's going shopping this Saturday?

Again, been very very busy. Terribly busy. Will do a proper post soon.
Have to show you guys what I got for birthday. Not a lot but it's really really nice.

And,

Jessie, sorry for still not having our Ikea date!
Hassy, sorry on Monday!

And, Fong, I've never written a similar post like that. You must have travelled into the future like Hiro.

Damn girl.

This really won't make much sense but I have to type this out so as to clear my thoughts.

Sarah used to tell me that whenever something terrible happened and I was supposed to get upset, I don't but instead I get angry. And I used to think that it was a good thing cause I thought getting upset is the worst anyone can get emotionally and I am too afraid to go there.

But now, I realise that my fear of getting upset has been hindering so much things so far and I'm just too afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Oh goodness, I admit I don't know where I'm going with this either.

This is what I meant to say actually. So, there's this little something that is going on and I'm really happy with it and happy is such an understatement. I really want this little something to happen for real but, here is the deal, I'm not sure if this little something is really something or if it is just nothing.

You get it? Good.

And I'm already on the excited phase and if I let myself go any further, chances of being upset and getting hurt will subsequently rise. And you know, I'm afraid of getting upset.

Forget all this.

I saw something that made me panic a little, okay, a lot and here I am writing funny nonsense.

It's 230am, so none of this actually makes much sense.

But, I really hope this little something is not nothing.

I feel like punching my gums now. Don't you?

17 years on

Happy Birthday to me!

17 years of life and so far,

1) fractured an arm. done.
2) sprained ankle. done.done.done.done.done.done.done.done.done.done.done.done....
3) tore a ligament. done.done.
4) went thru at least a surgery. done.
5) fall down unglamarously. (i cannot write the same number of 'done' to account for this)
6) embarass myself. (same thing)
7) committed a crime (heh heh, u rmb)
8) matured in thinking (i like to say yes but sadly, no)
9) make ppl laugh at my jokes (they laugh at me. good enough la eh?)
10) have great family (the best there is)
11) have great friends (oh hell yeah)
12) grateful to Allah (every moment)
13) became a better person (there's a limit to how good a person can be yaw!)
No no, but seriously. I want a white dwarf hamster.

When I was 15, I thought, shit I'm getting so old and before I know it, I'll turn 40 and have soon have menopause and then wither and die. Okay maybe not that exact thoughts but you intelligent asses get my drift. And my friends know that when I was 16, which happened not to be too long ago, really, I really liked it if I don't get reminded of my age. Cause in all honesty, I fear turning old. Really.

Whatever la with the saying age is just a digit. It's not just a digit! If it is, people don't turn cranky, become so.. you know, old-ish, turn dead and eventually dead. Sometimes, I used to forget I was 16, I used to think I was 14 then.

If you are anything lesser than 17, be happy now cause your day will come to turn this old. If you are more than that, you should just prepare for menopause.

I'm kidding.

But, I just don't like being old. Really.

Happy to still be living nonetheless!

(thanks guys for the smses so far :) )

The thought of getting a new white hamster is lingering on my mind.

I saw 2 cats playing together this morning and i thought they were extremely cute. Now, i think i want to keep cats. I'll call one of them Pee and the other Poo.

I'm doing WR in school now but my eyes are heavy.

The pink tights/panties conversation is still making me laughs. In buses.

Mr Lye said the PW dept said our WR is sitting on an A.

Life is good. Better if i can sleep now.

So, my mum got really tired of my left foot not being able to move every other hour, she took me to a Chinese physician.

Now, my left foot plus my calves plus my right foot plus my calves are full of bruises.

But, I can run a little now without that stabbing feeling on my left foot.

Much much better than physio, if you ask me.

China, I love you.

Promos

Here's to another year of waking up miserably in the morning, sitting restlessly in tutorials and dozing off endlessly in lectures when all you really want to do is stay home in bed with curtains drawn and the aircon on!

Results were okay la. I mean when your goals for Promos are just to get E for everything, hell, results are supposed to be superfragilistic...(something something)!

I got C for Physics but because in my final question, I accidentally present my answer as 2s.f, they deduct a mark. And, my C happened to be just on the dot so with that deduction, I'm sitting on a D.
But, this is my paper and my work. So, screw it. It's a C.

GP essay was exceptionally well but my comprehension pulled me down. And I need 1 mark to get a B. And you guys already know how I roll, so screw you C! (it's a B.. B..B *chants*)

Chemistry was just pure work of luck. E on the dot.

Maths was an utter disappointment. Heart-wrenching. The paper was fair but since stupidity flows in my every pore, I got E. Bodoh like nothing.

CSE is another disappointment alright. From B to S. And Ms Fauzana wrote this, "Disappointing. You should be doing much better". My exact sentiment as well.

Since there isn't any U and I fulfill the Promotion criteria, i think, I should be wearing that super hot uniform for another year.

And to think I actually made plans on what to do should I screw up my Promos. And, funny thing is, I kinda like these plans more than I like to go on another year.

But who cares what I like. This is Singapore.

Same time as yesterday.
Same shit as yesterday.

My arms started to itch just when I decide to stop doing WR.

Goodness.
Hotmail being anal again!

I'm sleepy and angry now.

PW thoughts

I was just thinking, how you know these PW teachers grade your work by Below Expectation, Meeting Expectation and Exceeding Expectation.

And their expectation of us is that to "exceed expectation".

Ironically, the very nature of "exceeding expectation" is to have a goal and not having any plans to actually go past it. Meet it, perhaps but never to go past it. So when you actually go beyond your plans, you exceed your expectations. Hence, you fulfill the condition that is to surpass your own expectations.

It's supposed to be a surprising kinda thing. Unplanned. Unexpected.

And so when they tell us to "exceed expectation", that by itself is their expectation of us. And, there is no way we can exceed their expectation of us because their expectation is for us to exceed their expectation.

Okay, I lost myself there.

But, think about it.

1) WR is frankly quite fun to do. Maybe because it is 3am and I'm doing WR now.
2) I miss Frabbles so much. :(
3) I feel worse when I see Cobbles playing alone on the wheels. :((
4) Got a couple of my papers back. So far, okay. Will update when I get everything back.
5) I am very very sleepy.
6) Hotmail is being a slut. Won't attach my WR.
7) I miss my best fwen.
8) Liyana is making me come for the Hari Raya thingy. But I have SC and WR.
9) I kinda miss Liyana. Kinda because I know she watches this space.
10) I'm too sleepy now.

I miss you already

In Loving Memory of Frabbles
100707~041008

I'll miss you so much.

Everyone will.

Especially Cobbles.

I'll miss how you always stand whenever we walk past you.

How you always run for food and then run away with them.

How you always manage to escape from your house and come back when we call your name.
How you always get so excited when you start playing with tissue.

How you always climb all over our hands when we clean your house.

How you always fight with Cobbles to sleep at the corner.

How you always fight with Cobbles to sleep on the same wheel though each of you had one.

How you always took the nuts in Cobbles mouth when you had another in your hand.

How you always are so smart and cover yourself with the cloth whenever you sleep.

How you always look so ugly when you wake up.

How you always smile when I tickle your head and you tummy.

How you always look up when we call your name.

How you always choose to ignore me when I was throwing food at you.

How you always look at me whenver it is just the both of us in the cab when we are going to the vet.
How you always shrieked whenever Cobbles fought with you.

How you always lie on top of Cobbles and will never move.

How you always stand with your head on the wheel while sleeping.

How you always took all the ikan bilis so Cobbles will have none.

How you cried when you had injected and when blood refuse to stop flowing.

How you always sleep in Mak's hand.

How you remain so strong even when your tumor burst. Again and again and again.

How you became even stronger when your left hand became paralysed and still very naughty.
How you lie in my palms on the last night while I fed you water.

I love you kiddo. I love you so much, Frabbles.

PMS

Today is MJ's Open House and everything ends at 6pm.

And I barely had 4 hours of decent sleep and this is not because I chose to stay awake, I was just wide awake.

Urgh. I feel so PMS now. Maybe because I do have that now. URGH. It sucks when you have eggs.

I hate the cramps. The back pain. And all the other pains that come at all other places. And the terrible terrible thirst.

See! I am sooo PMSing now. I am just gonna ramble.

And the bloody 'shift' button decides to go anal on me.

One of my 3 hamsters, the youngest of the lot, the one with the name Frabbles because in Sec 4 I thought naming my hamster after a name inspired by an element from the Periodic Table was the coolest shit on earth, have blood cancer.

And we brought him to the vet and they did some mean things (taking his blood, painful thus mean) in which Frabbles cried. Like really cried. Like with tears and all. And he shrieked. In pain. They figured he would never make it by Hari Raya but shortly, his tumor burst and now he's really tiny. And he keeps bleeding. Now, his left hand, where the tumor used to be is paralysed. But he is still so upbeat and adorable and annoying in his own ways.

You see, he is in such excruciating pain that as painful as it is for me, I rather he dies cause at the very least he stops suffering. But, I don't want him to cause it's so hard to let go something you really love and care about. I took quite a long time to get over Pebbles' (my first hamster) death.

But each time he runs around with 2 legs and a hand, nothing tears you up more than that.

Okay, all this is not helping my PMS. I'm making it worse!

Play with the hamsters now!

I am so random

I miss this space like crazy.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya!!!!

I am soo rich and happy right now that if you ask me to pay for something, I would.

Anyway, left this space for quite some time cause at first there was promos and all then when the fun was all over, I was too busy doing nothing, I had no time to update or bathe. Seriously.

The last time I stayed home for close to a week all in the noble cause to save water in Singapore. And I went on 6 days unbathed, unsoaped, unshampooed and uncleansed. But, I change everything la. I just didn't bathe.

And, on the seventh day, I spent 45 mins bathing, shampooing 4 times after conditioning 6 times, putting shower gel every minute, exfoliating 2 times and brushing my teeth twice before bathing and another 2 times after bathing.

And I figured, in that 45 mins, I used more than I would have if I had bathe for 6 days.

And I have no idea why I am letting the whole world in my best kept secret.

I digressed.

Promos was promos. Chem was Chem. And that is that.
I'm looking forward to finishing the damn PW, go China!, prom duty, JC1 bash, orientation stuffs and quit for the whole year!!!

Okay, I'm tired and sleepy.