Goodbye,

I've never been the best with goodbye and this time, things aren't any different.

To my horror, today was Mr Chiang's last day and when I read his text in Maths Lecture, I was just like, "Oh God, no...". I don't know what kind of "oh no" it was but I was just really dreading it; like I knew it was going to happen eventually yet I constantly am running away from it but it caught up now.

I am beyond sad. Like, distraught. Like, a loss. A real loss.

Now, nobody will sms me in school to collect notes before GP!

Mr Chiang is gone la. Oh my goodness...

I'll do a proper post after I nurse my sorrow.

No, seriously, I am very very sad now.

Mr Chiang, I hope you like the card we made and oh well, we didn't make the pizza but hope you liked it! Gonna miss you so much! Have fun at your new workplace tomorrow!

Rude Awakening

I'm thinking of going on a hiatus. And, packing my laptop and place it in the store room so I will never ever be distracted again.

Man, I don't know. If only I had more discipline... No, not really.

Anyhow, Ms Lai's talk this morning was a rude awakening to this whole big fat lie I've been living in. How I told myself, I'll make it for Mid Years, even if I were to screw up, how badly can it get, right? Yeah, mid years fucked me good man.

After the Meet The Parents, I've realised that this time, I'm really in the danger group and retaining may just be the outcome at the end of the year. You know, if that should happen, I probably drop out and go poly instead and do things that I am passionate about. Maybe Psychology, Tourism or Media. I really don't know what had stopped me at the beginning of ther year.

I mean, if I have to retain la. Then again, I won't let it happen.

Promos is in 7 weeks and I'm still like this. Concept like shit, body just lazy to put in the effort, mind that just wants to sleep. Fucking wake up la. You think your father's school, is it?

On a totally irrelevant note, finally got the Leader's shirt. :)

Nooo!!!

Mr Chiang is leaving MJ!

Yes, Mr Chiang as in my favouritest favouritest GP teacher in the whole wide world!

OH MY GOD.

The sadness is too overwhelming; I just couldn't go to school today. (i couldn't walk today because of the ankle actually)

Who the hell will teach me GP?!!!!

Nobody teaches like Mr Chiang does. Nobody, you heard me.

*bawls*

Oh goodness. The tragedy.

This Is For You If You Feel The Pinch

I had pizza for lunch, after lunch and now I really need to shit. But, it's not coming out yet so here I am.

Tried to study/complete homeworks just now but the afternoon heat is too overwhelming to the point it had become a distraction. So, I swtiched on the air-con hoping it'll give me a comfortable environment but nope, too cold. And again, distraction.

So, I'll just wait for evening; when the sun is gone, the temperature just right and I start wasting my time away reading notes and practising things that would not have mattered in any way. Or, what you guys call "studying".

Anyway, this thing has been gnawing at me for some time and it's about time I say this. I really detest people who regards their lack of proficiency in their Mother Tongue Language as a sign of their superiority to the others who actually are much better in this area than them. I have plenty of friends who are very gone case with their Chinese/Malay but I don't find them repulsive because they acknowledge the very fact that they are more comfortable with English than their MT but they never belittle their own language or for that matter, their own race.

Seriously, it's one thing to be not good at it but it's another thing altogether to go around and profess it with such air that only makes you look no better than a cunt. Truth is, you are just saying you don't care about your MT because you don't produce grades and because you are such a dickhead, you stoop so low and pretend those who are much better with the language are deemed "backwards". And this whole time, I only had one person in my head.

I got news for you brother. No matter how much you claim you are way better than your language/race or how deep your wannabe English poems get, none of that change your roots or who you really are. And by the way, don't flatter yourself too much cause those people will think twice, thrice before taking a second look at you.

I think some of my close friends know who I'm talking about. Haha. I didn't even mean for this to be so angsty but oh well, you can only ride your feelings man.

Intimacy

Have you ever wondered how it'll be if you discovered you were adopted and found yourself having the hots for your step-father/mother all this time?

Well, I haven't. But if you have, no, I won't judge you. Heh.

Anyhow, pardon me for the absence but I have been rather busy with nothing lately. No, actually, I have quite plenty of things to settle but it's this queer feeling that you are doing virtually nothing despite doing many things each day and you are left questioning if you have done anything today. Yeah, that's why I've been away for sometime.

No, actually, I was just lazy. But see, compare what I just said to the above paragraph. It's a lot more interesting to say all that nonsense than just to say I've been a sloth.

Oh yeah, I snip snip snip my hair yesterday. Told the hair stylist that I just wanted to cut the fringe and trim the hair but keeping the length. The fringe is okay- well, anything is better than my previous fringe which covered my whole face but with the trimming, my hair kinda like get a lil shorter and I don't really like that.

I feel that cutting your hair is such an intimate process. No, really. Not the horny kinda intimate but just you know, close intimate. If that make sense to you, good. When the guy washed my hair and massaged my scalp, I get this funny, comfy feeling all over that I eventually dozed off. And when he was done, I was so tempted urge to tell him, "You missed a spot". It's the same thing when anyone cuts your hair also but sometimes, actually all the time, I get too bored, I dozed off again.

Had meet the parents just now and it was pleasant. Teachers were nice; they have always been. Seriously, it's not the teachers, it's the damned system. But, the reality is that, for the first time in my 10 years of playing well in this wicked system, this has got to be the ultimate test thus far.

Less than 2 months to turn the tables and shove the results in their faces; I know I can do it but I'm not sure if I can do it in time.

Home, Home, Home!

I think I may be considering physio again. It's hurting a lot more this time and besides Mr Yeo insisted that physio is part of the healing process and if I don't go, I'll never heal completely. These past 2 weeks, I've been walking with a limp and depending so much on my right leg, at the end of the day, both my legs are just in pain.

And, I may just forget how to walk properly once this is over.

Anyhow, in school now and I'm just counting the hours till I'm in the comfort and safety (haha) of my own home. School is bad. Home is good. But, today is a looong day and there's council later which means I have about 4 hours before I get out of this place.

I just needed to ramble for a while, don't mind me.

Oh GP today was great. Mr Chiang was great. Class was great. And that's basically where all the greatness ends. Had a discussion about National Service and Colin and Wen Hao were against it but the girls were for it. Because we don't have to go through it. Sucks to be you, boys!

I'm just trying to feel comfortable in school but my mind is just set on going home.

I'm beginning to be really boring.

Happy Puppy

Today is a good good day. Uh huh, on rare occasions like this, my day is so good, I cannot stop smiling to myself.

In fact, I am still smiling and... now I'm letting a little laugh. Okay, a little louder than a little laugh and now... this is just an outburst. Fine, I'm rolling on the floor now.

That's how deliriously, if I may, happy I am today.

My heart skipped a beat so much today; it just felt like it stopped beating altogether.

I need so much to type this out but until I figure the most discreet way of doing this, I'll just roll on the floor every 7 seconds in sheer ecstacy.

It has got to be the eyes and the smile. No matter how down-syndrome the eyes are, the eyes are the winner and the smile and the hand movement were like... mouth-watering desserts next to a really sumptuous meal. If you get what I mean...

Okay whatever. It's the eyes and the smile and the ass and the stomach and the hair and the nose and the ear and the cheek and the hips and the arms and those hands and fingers...

If you are not freaked out/disgusted/lost yet, reread the whole paragraph again till you feel dizzy then go outside and dance with your underwear on your head!

Okay I'm sleepy.

This post is so wasted but... I'm still on the floor.

I am Dick

One thing I learnt today: Never attempt to study with your best friend especially after not seeing her for a gazillion years!

LTC 2 was okay. Anything is okay than a 3 days camp. They showed this clip, "The Fish Tale" and the only thing I clearly remembered was everyone sniggering when this guy named "Dick" came on. Imagine someone asking him, "Who are you?". And he goes, "Dick!". And the person goes, "No, who are you not what are you?!".

Okay okay. To all Dick out there, I apologise for this insensitive joke but I'm just an immatured kid who finds humor in stupid things like this. (Hehehe... *giggles more*)

What was supposed to be a study day with Hassy turns out to be anything other than that. Finally, I felt so comfortable in my own skin and I missed that feeling for soo long. You know, having someone who knows you so well and be with you for anything for the whole day. I just missed that. I am so sleepy... I can't even make clear my words.

Hassy, I'll get the cabbie and the Boss to pass you the milkshake one of these days okay!

And oh, I found my breath stolen for a few times this week, if you know what I mean.

OK. Gone.

Hee Haw Again

Hee Haw.

I'm thinking of changing my url to heehaw.blogspot.com but all of us know how incredibly lazy I am so perhaps, in another light year.

Been doing Physics lately cause I'm very much disgusted by my result and am hoping that this is the correct studying method I am employing after all the hullabaloo about "the correct studying method".

Personally, it's bullshit la. Everyone is different hence there has to be different studying methods and thus, the retardedness of the concept " the correct studying method". I know this sounds very dumb but everytime after an exam, all they find fault with is "your studying method".

I mean, give that "studying method" a break la, eh. It's nothing to do with the method, face it, it's the person doing it. Okay, I don't know why I'm annoyed but I just am and I miss that feeling after not being annoyed for quite some time.

School has been okay. What were you expecting? Fabulous? Get a grip! School is so mundane to the point that I can walk through the whole process with my eyes closed, hand tied and legs tied. No, seriously. It's so mundane; it's a mockery of everything. Okay, maybe not.

Oh, now I remember why I am slightly annoyed!

Yesterday, Daryl and I were talking and oh trust me usually I don't make public about my bitching sessions but today I'll make an exception. There's this particular species that is really quite an irritant and he's the type who is so hasty in talking, he doesn't pause to think for a while.

Why, would it hurt you if you think? Will your IQ level drop so drastically that you have to talk really slowly, but seriously, take it from me, do you honestly think we could notice the stark difference!

I am so angsty today; it annoys me a tad.

Okay whatever la. I need to go cut my fringe. It's so long, it passed my jaw.

Bye, don't be an angry kid!

Thank You!

Before anything, thank you guys for being there for me during this hard time. You probably think what you said/did was very minor but truth is, it keeps me going these past few days especially when giving up is ever so tempting. You guys know who you are; thank you! :)

Anyway, this week has been okay so far. After all that had happened, nothing could get worse or maybe I could just be mistaken. Heh. I've been trying very hard to be positive and just get going and truth is, it's very very hard. You have friends in school, work to do, jokes to make and laugh at; these are just distractions and when all is said and done and when you are left all alone, that's when you feel the whole world again on your shoulders and that's how quickly the tears roll.

It's true- we are all just putting up a facade or maybe it's just me. Because it shields you from your harsh truth and you need it. You want it. At least, I need it.

On a different note altogether, I am so sorry for making this blog such a depressed page! For those of you who haven't been laughing at my ridiculous thoughts these past few days, things will get back to normal soon!

Anyway, my dad is discharged already and he's already up and about. The whole episode shook him and he's abandoning smoking altogether so thank heavens! I've been trying to persuade him to stop smoking for donkey years already and he's only doing it only after being hospitalised. Had I known... Heh.

Another time peeps!

Ignore

This is pretty emo so if you do not want to feel disgusted/depressed, I suggest you leave.

There are just so many things happening in my life right now that it's not even funny.

My dad was warded yesterday for breathlessness. He's pretending it's nothing much but I know it's not. And, I'm really worried.

My grandmother's spine hurts so much she cannot feel her toes.

My aunt has to go through surgery at the end of the month.

And then there's a need for my physio, catching up with 2 days of school work, do tutorials, eom, study for my H2s which I busted, study and find a way not to screw up promos, get promoted, teacher's day decor things, council event announcement and so many other things I cannot remember.

I'm in such excruciating pain for my ankle and I'm not telling a single soul except here (so keep the honour) cause I know I will need physio and it takes a lot of time. Off and during school and I only have 2 months to promos and things are very crazy now, I can hardly stop to breathe. And my mother will want to accompany me and she's very drained from all this so if there's anyone I cannot afford to zonk out, it's my mother.

I need her too much now.

I'm really pretending everything is fine and manageable for the sake of my parents but I don't know how long I can hold the pretence.

I'm just too fucking tired and I need to fucking disappear for a while.

Pardon my language, but I just feel really fucked up.

Twisted

It'll be 6 weeks till I can walk normally again.

Remember I fell down the overhead bridge the other day and my leg was pretty sprained? Okay you can stop giving me that stupid look; yeah I can see you from where I am.

So, apparently after avoding doctor for a week after the fall, my ankle has gotten pretty nasty. It's twisted, no not freak house kinda twisted but just, you know, twisted. And my ligaments are torn pretty badly too. The ankle has gotten swollen and on Monday when I get back to school, I have to use crutches or else my ankle will just be gone case.

Doctor said I have to go for treatment and physio but, I don't know. It just takes a lot of time and that is one of many luxuries I do not own. So, still thinking and it's inclined on self-recuperating. And I'm also uncertain about the crutches cause from past experience, it inflicts so much physical pain on my armpits, I swore I'll never get close to that goddamned thing. Oh, and MJ doesn't have a lift so it'll restrict my movement a lot.

Now, I'm appreacting TK on a whole new level.

Boo

The fatigue from LTC has set in today. I slept while waiting to collect my medicine at the hospital today. And it wasn't even like a nap; it was like a deep deep sleep that was verging on me salivating and don't even mention snoring. I did it without shame.

Anyhow, this week seems rather long too. Friday is usually the happiest day other than my life other than any other day that has no school in it but this week, no chance. Spa, Chem Lect make-up and then SC.

And speaking of Chem make-up, I really feel they should stop having make-up for the lectures that we missed due to legitimate reasons. Like for example, a school holiday. Youth day was rightfully ours and don't even get me started on how I spent it at Timbaktu but seriously, if every one else thinks like the Chem department does, we would probably have to have a make-up for all the lessons that we missed.

And that defeats the rationale of a public/school holiday. Which, if I may not be too rude, pretty stupid.

On a different note altogether, I think my heart skips a beat way too easily, if you get my drift.

Not good; but I like the feeling.

im too sexy for my shiry; too sexy for my shirt; so sexy it hurts.

Think

Add another U to the collection. Maths is a U.

Oh. My. God. I am so screwed.

Was thinking during Maths lecture and I realised, I really deserved all these grades cause I haven't been consistent with my work. I tried to revise my work closer to exams and apparently, this method does not apply anymore.

On a brighter note, got a B for CSE. Mao, I know you'll never read this but I love you. And, if you are Chinese, I don't know why but I love you too.

Asked Ms Fauzana how to improve SBQ and what she said later made my day.

"Your structure isn't there yet but you have content. Amalina, you can actually think and if you work your structure, you'll do well".

I can think ah!

I don't know about you but that is the nicest thing anyone ever said to me in a looong time.

Just showed how deprived I've been.

EOM now!

Jalan Bahtera

I'm back! Alive and great.

Will do a very quick update cause I still have a lot of unfinished business to finish up.

I was really hesitant on this camp but as cliche as this sounds, I'm really glad I attended it cause of so many reasons. There's so much truth in most of the things the Coaches were saying and how leadership is about first encouraging your heart then the team. It's not just about leading, it's about listening as well.

When my team went for the water activities and while I was waiting for them to return, I realised that I have so much shortcomings as a leader and all of those start with fear. I fear responsibility, I fear commitments, I fear giving my all. I fear all those. And, I realised I was not the person whom I used to be two or three years ago. Time has certainly changed me and though I desire for that change; frankly, I don't really want it. I don't really need it. Not right now.

Company was great. Instructor was great. Great time. Thanks Cool Heat!

And, Mr Gohel, if you ever read this (i'll still remind you anyway), I want my shirt. I came to the other end of Singapore, paid $90 for that! Gimme the goods man!

There's actually a lot of other things on my mind but I'm just really shagged and my thoughts are everywhere. Sleep, hunger and fatigue.

Alright then darlings!

Away!

Sharm and Kai, if you are reading this- Hi losers!

The week has ended and I've come to the conclusion that I've screwed up my MYE worse than I'd expected to.

I know I bloody screwed the whole exam when first, I got a U for Physics. I mean, yeah Physics is impossible but U is just terrible. Second, I barely passed my GP essay. Of all the scripts I got back, that was the hardest blow.

It's pointless trying to justify my GP marks but I know, I wasn't in the best condition when I did my essay what not with all the physical and mental drain after Chem. But, that's no excuse. Disappointed? Yes. Disgusted? Hell Yeah.

It's done anyway. And, done very badly. Time to do something about all this shit I'm in.

Anyhow, going to camp on Saturday till Monday. I didn't want to go initially with my sprained ankle but I really want the shirt, so I'm going. Stupid reason, I tell you. No wonder almost failed essay.

It's going to be tough but try not to miss me too much! Heh.

I hope you are doing better than I am now. Isn't that hard anyway.

Wishing Stairs

Fever and flu first 2 days.

Still recovering. And now...

I just fell from the overhead bridge. Yeah, the bloody friggin overhead bridge which I've to climb in order to go home which happens to have stairs on it which happens to have the potential to afflict one with such immense pain when one happens to tumble down.

And, that was what happened to me.

Now, my left ankle is like gone case.

They told me shit happens. Never mentioned anything about diarrhoea.

Okay lame.

This whole week is like anal.

Okay bye!

Ass And You

Got back 2 of my results. Cannot make it la.

All my darlings who have screwed up their MYE, I'm here to jump onto the bandwagon!

Chemistry- Subpass.

Physics- Ungraded. (LOL)

Physics was very expected la. Oh well.

On a brighter note, a part from my Confucius essay got shown to the LT as good example. Finally, something to feel alive again. I owe it all to mah Cheena brothas and sistas.

Whatever ah. Camp is coming. Can't play anything cause still on medication and you can't have any physical activites when you have flu. Cause you'll die.

And oh my god, Mr Chiang is no longer my CT! I'm too distraught to speak right now. And, I've yet to ask him why. Heard around he's resigning and I'm hoping not. He's the best GP teacher I've ever had. And, that's because he's the only one I had thus far but still, I reckon no one else can teach as well as he does. And, slack as much as he does too.

Okay la, chiao. Keep 'em tags coming! Will reply soon!

No Pain, No Pain.

Fever and Flu. Bad.

MC. Good.

And it doesn't help that Miss Red came today. I'm in terrible pain.

At times like these, I wished I had a penis instead.