Because I'm Selfish, That's Why.

I should stop updating every day. But, somehow, I always find myself right here typing my thoughts out. And, I tell myself I should stop doing this on a daily basis.

Anyhoo, though today was a ridiculously long day, surprise surprise, I had loads of fun. I think it's my CG mates who are making this whole experience as fun as it is. I gotta be honest though that when I first saw my CG with only a strength of 13 and letting my judgmental behaviour take over me, I was like, "This is gonna be hard". But, I'm glad I am wrong... Like seriously, how often do you hear me or for that matter, anybody saying that?

I really like my CG bucketloads. And, I'm hoping I'll get MJ and stay in this CG with these people and spend my next 2 years in bliss.

Having said that, I miss TK more than ever now. It's just the place you know; it feels so right to just sit in the canteen and just watch the students run pass you. And, inevitably, memories of yesteryears just flood you once again. When you turn to every corner, go into every room, pictures of lessons and the laughter you break into with your friends for what now seems so silly, are there to greet you. And you think to yourself, "Wow, I used to be here. 4 years had passed too fast,".

Maybe it's true, time is jealous of you when you are enjoying yourself and so it does what it does best- speed past us. You know, I've always thought its impossible to have such emotional attachment to one place but once again, I am glad I am wrong. It's just the people there; teachers, friends, classmates and school helpers that make the whole experience worth every tear and laughter.

It's funny how you tend to remember a place through familiar faces you've seen before and it never crossed your mind that one day, these faces may turn their back against you and when they do, there's just a sudden void in you. And you think to yourself, "Why do I let other people have control over myself?".

And when that happens, it's my choice whether to let them ruin my whole perception of that place or remain unaffected and strong. I choose the latter for the simple reason, I owe everything I am today to TK. TK was where I grew up, TK was my home and still is. And nobody can change that. I respect you for who you are but not even you can change that.

I miss singing the school song at the assembly plaza.

Anyway, to something of lesser substance. Chemistry is getting very challenging now. And, please believe me when I say that. It's no longer as simple as Sec4 work... now it's like harder and harder. Why Chemistry, why? How can I appreciate you and embrace you if you do this to me? Be nice to me Chemistry, please!

Physics is fun now simply because Dr Vaz is a really excellent tutor and he's always ready to clear you misconceptions and doubts. So, it's a good start to a long battle. I think I may just like Physics a little bit more so please Chem... you know what to do.

it's either you sink or you swim

08S204

Just a quick one before I go grab a bite.

You know, I'm beginning to really love my CG hella lot now. I love all of them man. They are so different and unique and the main reason why the love is passing through is that they make my job a lot easier. Nobody wants to watch the dance show, nobody wants to buy CNY goodies. That means, no job for me other than meeting the JC2 for whatnot almost every morning.

I must be the luckiest CG representative alive.

Soccer was good today but it's funny how my legs doesn't hurt after training but it's my hands that are taking the pain. Strange, is it not? Hmm...

I'm actually very very hungry and I am very very tired and sleepy.

GP teacher: This is the hardest part of GP paper. You have to integrate both ideas from the passage...

Me: But, I cannot integrate... I can only differentiate.

Eugene: *stares* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

CG: LAME!!! HAHAHA!!! LAME!!! HAHAHA!!!

This post is not getting anywhere. But I'm going to the kitchen.

Perfect Day

The week starts off like rotten egg but I am determined to make it better. Hah, ignore that. I am too tired from all the nonsense that has happened in just 2 days that I am not even determined to wake up tomorrow. But I will. Cause I love Wednesday. There's something pleasant about Wednesday.

I'm drifting off again.

The few things worth mentioning are that tennis killed my arm and so now when I write, I tremble. And you know this is a problem if you have seen my handwriting with arm that works perfectly fine. Thursday will just be running and running and running and running... (I planned to do that 7 times since we have to run 7 rounds but I gave up).

I have so much tutorials to do, materials to read up, this and that. And, the majority of the workload is Chemistry with all the tutorials and the assignment and oh, the surprise class test we had. Gee, I was so surprised I did not finish 2 questions.

Chemistry test next Monday then Physics test on Tuesday.

My life is near perfect.

And soccer training tomorrow. Baik ah.

i hate to be rude towards anyone but you drove me into a corner. what i said was a casual remark, something i had to let out cause i know what i got was beyond my capability. it has no malicious intention towards anyone or whatsoever. nobody has to feel insulted or break down cause it was not meant to be offensive towards anyone. if she felt insulted, my deepest apology to her cause i never meant for it to be rude or 'selfish' as you preferred.

and you, what is wrong with you? i just cannot comprehend you anymore. does it give you so much ecstacy knowing i am troubled and possibly fearful of your threat? you are the last person i wish to be rude to but you are pushing it too far now.

Pissed Off

I cannot believe I actually bothered to do this but I shall if it means putting my mind at ease and clearing everything that's on my chest. And, this is not another of my happy post so you can leave now, actually.

I'm very very fucking angry. Like fuming mad.

I've so much rant in my head now that I do not know where to begin. Everything seems to be in the line of fuck, bitch and asshole... That's how pissed I am right now.

Lets see how I can actually do this so your fragile, pathetic soul will not get offended cause after all, a sincere compliment that was directed to you without any perceivable agenda or motive appears to you as an underhand method of offence. And it is increasingly difficult now to say 'fuck' in this post cause you are so narrow-minded that you will think it is actually referring to your puny self when in actual fact, it's just a figure of speech to show how pissed I am with you.

Some people are just so bloody insecure that everything you say or type out appears to them as a personal attack and they act like as though the whole bloody planet is gravitating around them. And the best thing is that they think your whole world too gravitates around them that they actually figured everything you write out or say seems to be an attack at them for whatever goddamn reason and possibly you have a shrine at home to worship them.

And it'll be perfectly alright with me if you happen to have no education at all and is retarded, spastic and losing 3/4 of your brain and also coincidentally have no balls and you go around bullshitting at me how you get offended over something that I sincerely thought of just to tell you that I owe you the credit and just like the others, you are special to me. But, noooo, your pathetic, puny brain is so shallow that you have to jump to conclusions and once again think everyone's life is about you and you and you only. Like are you seriously that insecured?

And to think once upon a time I have such immense respect for you. I am a bloody fucktard.

And yes I know you will somehow read this and even without my telling you, you would have jumped to conclusions and figured this whole post is about you. The only difference is hell yeah, this whole post is about you.

And I cannot even be bothered if you feel offended or angry like I am now cause since you want to feel offended, I'll give you a reason right now.

I've always thought highly of you for as long as I can remember and how I wished one day I have the same mental capacity as you. But I take it all back. I do not want to have the same mental capacity as you though it appears to be impressive, you know nothing about gratitude. And now, I don't even wish to emulate you cause I do not want to be that rude and ungrateful half the time.

I was so wrong about you. Very wrong.

And I'm not gonna take anything away just because you want me to. If you are offended, leave. You are smarter than that.

But just like you, I will be offended that I had lack of better judgement and I had judged you as a hero.

Moving On

This will be a quick one.

Tomorrow college starts all over again and though it is not the real deal yet, I like to think of it as my first step to start anew. Been doing a lot of critical reflections lately and talking to a few of the people dear in my life about all that has happened.

Bad as it may be and painful as it is, I'll take it as another lesson learnt and all these will just make me a lot stronger in the face of adversity in the future. It may be a blessing in disguise somehow since the worst thing that happened to me may just turn out to be the best thing.

So, I'm starting at zero again, putting everything behind me and I'll work my way up to MYE, Promos, Prelims and ulitmately A levels. I guess that's where I can redeem myself all over again for all the mess I ended up in. And, I will. I need to.

Just so you know, I have wallowed enough in self-pity these few days and I'm back.

I HAVE MOVED ON.

And so the journey continues...

Thank You

mr yusri, there wil never be enough 'thank you' i can say that will suffice to actually really thank you for all that you've done for me. i never would have thought we would stay this cool from sec1 up till graduation but we are. i trust you the as a teacher and there is something about you that i find really pleasing and comfortable. i tell you things i dont tell other teachers and when we talk, anything goes and i dont have to pretend. i appreciate all the concern you've given me all this time and whatever you said that evening, i will take it as sound advice along with other advices you have given me in these 4 years. thank you for always being there. if there is one teacher i can really connect to, it gotta be you. you're my number one teacher now and always will be. i love you man. not that way but you know what i mean.

mr singh, you were the best pe teacher anyone could ever asked for, seriously. i want to thank you first for making the new zealand trip possible and for making pe really fun. actually, im not in a position to stay that cause i always skip pe to study. but it was still fun running to not get caught by you. but you did during the final lesson and you got me good. then i thought about it and realised, its mr singh we are dealing with here. thank you for pulling me through the new zealand episode. i love you la. and with your blur-ness, many others also will too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

mr tchen, you left us when we were in sec4 but i really want to thank you for the times 3c had with you. when you left us, you told us to soar like an eagle cause our class was really not the best of the lot. im sorry we put you through so much hardship and everytime you walked in and told us you didnt know how to answer to you-know who, i wished i was much 'diligent' then. but we improved a lot. and soar like an eagle, we did. i wished you were there to see our results. thank you for giving us a good physics foundation and being the ft that we needed.

cikgu nadira, thank you for your attention and patience with us when we were in sec3 and making a1 so possible for me. you really went the extra mile to ensure we did well and i thank you for all the effort you put in. terima kasih cikgu sebab you played a part for my a2 for hml. so thank you cikgu. sayang cikgu.

mrs neo, you are so amazing, i swear. there has never been a more caring and concerned ft and despite all the times we failed you, you sticked by us and saw us through. thank you for always having faith in us. thank you for staying back to help me understand physics and though i was aiming for a2, i got a b3. it was my bad but nonetheless, you were really great with your explanations and lessons. thank you for taking care of us really well and our welfare too. its heart-warming to know that our ft really cared about us. i love you mrs neo.

mrs tan, i guess your decision to shift me towards the front was a wise one indeed. if you hadn't, i probably still be in my own world and not improved. thank you for being so strict but always having faith in me. thank you for your compliments each time i improved cause that's my energy to keep doing better. thank you mrs tan.

cikgu azmann, kan saya dah kata we'll get our distinction and we did. since we 'mugged' like crazy in the emas room, macam duh la kita dapat a2. but thank you really for the times the 6 of us had in the emas room cause it was the best time of my sec4 life. thank you cikgu sebab kita selalu belajar but we never failed to joke and have fun. cikgu, you are gerek man. terima kasih cikgu. sayang cikgu. buat kelakar.

mrs tan, i just want to thank you for everything you have done for our class for these 2 years. we've come a long way and like you said, we did really well. thank you for standing by us and persisting though time and again we always disappoint you. thank you for never losing hope and faith in us. thank you for all the sacrifices you made and how we would respond to you when you asked if we were free in the afternoon. thank you for believing in us. i know you know chemistry means so much to me and everytime i had an a1, i was elated but when i had a2, everything seems bad. im sorry i couldnt get a1 on the actual exam. it's a waste but it's purely my bad. i love you mrs tan. i love you so much.

mrs chee, omg. thank you so much for everything. thank you for just being there for me when i lost it yesterday. i guess you are right, my results pretty good but i was just disappointed. but still thank you for the times we had in sec3 and i think you are right because i came a long way. thak you for all the dissing and making fun of each other moments we had cause i really missed them. but thank you most importantly for putting me on my feet and giving me my first distinction. i love you so much mrs chee chui eng.

mrs tan, thank you for always keeping us involved with current affairs and printing summaries so that we could understand the topics taught. thank you for giving me consultation before and after prelims. thank you because you equipped us really well for ss and making a2 possible.

mdm mariam, thank you for being by me when i had the major breakdown yesterday. more importantly, thank you for equipping me so well for history exam and supplying me with informations about china and germany though i tend to get distracted a lot in class. thank you for giving me that a2 though i had my format wrong during prelims. but, its not a waste eh. thank you for making that a2 possible for me. i love you.

mrs poh, who would have guessed right, a1 for geog? certainly not me and i dont think you expected this either. miracles do happen eh. i was lucky cause i had all the topics i wanted in the paper. thank you though for believing that i always could do much better. thank you for giving me consultations though i never seem to improve even during prelims. thank you for not giving up on me though i wanted to give up on geog. thank you mrs poh but this is the end of geog and me. hah.

Screwed

To do well in Os, you need knowledge. You need the effort and you need a bit of luck.

Had the knowledge. Put in the effort. Had luck. Cancel that. Bad luck.

You know, the whole time people told me there will be people who know their content well and went the extra mile but at the end of the day, they just lost the battle. Just like that. No rhyme, no reason- they were defeated.

And this whole time, never never did it cross my mind I could be one of them. Insecured? Yes. But to honestly screw up? No.

Yesterday, I was one of them. Today, I still am. Tomorrow, I still will be.

I will live with this for the rest of my life- the girl who screwed up her Os.

I kept reflecting last night about my Os. Where did I go wrong? What did I not do or for that matter, what did I do to screw up this badly? When you put in all the effort, your sweat, your tears and your blood, screwing up was never an option. But, screwed up, I did.

When I got my result slip, I told myself I'll accept whatever they give me and move on with my life. I told myself I had to be strong even if it was not an A1 for Chemistry. Then, I got the result slip and I looked at my Chemistry grade and that was the end for me. That split second, I was in denial. My world crashed on me and everything was bleak. I did not even bother to look at my other subjects' grades cause the one subject that I really wanted, I really sacrificed for, it slipped from my grip. Nothing else mattered.

Saying to accept it and move on is one thing. To really accept it and move on is another.

Fiza said I cried, threatening to flood Singapore. Natasha said I was a passionate crier (for the lack of better word). But I was just crying cause I failed to control my emotions and I failed myself. All it took was A2 for Chemistry to steal my sanity away.

Then, there was Geography. For this I really did not know what to feel. If you had not known by now, I am Geograpy arch enemy... until now, apparently. All those tests and exams in TK, I merely got C6 and on better days, I win a C5 for myself. Prelims I had B4 and I swear, I was the happiest goober on the planet. But now, O levels, bloody Cambridge gave me A1. A fucking A1. And, I never even had a B3 all my life.

They gave me A1 for Geog and they gave me A2 for almost everything. Thanks, eh, Cambridge.

I will trade my Geog grade with Chemistry any day.

Come to think of it, 7As and 2Bs aren't that bad la. 11 points raw and after bonus I get 8 points. Pretty okay, I guess. It's just that my life orbits around Chemistry and after giving all that I'm worth to it, I failed myself.

My best was not good enough.

Anyway, thank you to you guys who stood by me yesterday. I really don't what I've done if you guys weren't there. Thank you, loves.

And, congrats to all those who got their name called out and to Class of 2007 for raising the standard yet again. We did really great! :)

I need time to wallow in self-pity then I'll move on.

and you, i guess you were right the first time, the second time, the third time. all the time. your joke the other day was a reflection of my life today. maybe that night, you already knew or you probably knew all along that a1 was never meant to be mine. i could only desire for it. but it's you that gave me the passion for it and your faith and your belief in me was all i needed. and i had them so i thank you. i have so many things to say to you but i just dont know how. i love you in a strange way. i love you all the same, beeswax.

THE Day

This is it.

There's no turning back.

I hate it when I type in paragraphs like that. It scares me shitless.

Doing it again.

Anyhoo, I just came here to ramble so please bear with me and expect and empty, pointless post.

It was not so bad last night actually. Could not sleep in the early parts of the night but in the midst of smsing Mingming, my eyes shut, I disconnect from everything there is in the real world and off I went to... sleep. But, woke up a few times in the middle of the night and was rudely reminded of today's mega event and then the eyes refuse to close and when I finally get to, I woke up again and the whole process went on and on until now. I might just fall asleep on my chair.

See, I told you I'm rambling. Not as bad as Xinghui but still...

I did some reflection this morning while I was peeing and I figured I'll accept whatever results I'll get later. Not that I can reject and ask them, "Hey, could you be a darling and change my points to 6". But, what I meant was, despite having all these 'aims' and 'goals', I have to be prepared if fate thinks it's pretty funny to throw me off track and give me something totally... unexpected. In all honesty, right after I typed that out, my stomach hurts really bad. It's like there are knots tied in there real tight or it could just be another one of those nature calls. But, the point is, it hurts and my heart hurts just thinking about screwing up.

My Mum has a fever and it always happen at times like this- results. PSLE was the same thing and now, 4 years on, the fever is back yaww! Hah. And you thought to yourself, whose results this is actually? Both parents insisted violently to accompany me to TK later but alamak, with my Mum around, I'll get even tense in the bus and probably just die even before knowing my result. And she said, she'll shut up for the whole journey. HAHA.

Best joke, mama.

I need to ramble on some more but I'm losing steam. I probably will come back later to actually blog again.

and you pretend nothing ever happened

Why Cambridge, why?

I was contemplating whether to blog or not but I cannot take this anymore. I need to talk, to ramble, to bull about everything that is possible to be bull-ed about. AAAHHH!!!

I guess all I needed was to shout.

Anyhoo, had the weirdest dream or nightmare rather yesterday. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn't that weird just slightly on the gory side. I dreamt we had our results back and in my dream, we did not get our result slip but instead, the exam scripts. I know... It gets better. So, 4C was in our class and I figured TK did not pay the electricity bill since we were in the dark... or was it my room was just really dark, but anyway, Mrs Neo passed down the scripts. Then, I saw one with 70/74 and I got 25/74.

OMG. It's a bad omen. I think God is trying to tell me something.

Why Cambridge, why?!

Had a conversation with my Aunt this morning and somehow our convo diverted to summary and that was when it striked me. I cannot remember if I did my HML summary. I cannot even recall the passage that was given to us. I also cannot remember holding my pen and writing the words down on that blank piece of paper. In fact, I cannot even remember how the answer booklet looked like. So, there's a possibility of my missing that whole section worth 25marks. Which means... I can lose hope and faith for that A1 I was aiming.

But, I somehow managed to convince myself that I did the summary because it would be too silly at that point of time to not check my paper and thus not realising that I have 1 whole huge section missing. Ridiculous, eh? Just say yes, please.

So, I did my summary.. I did my summary. No second about that.

I skipped college again today cause I just cannot bring myself to doing academic things and inevitably reminding myself of Olevels and the results tomorrow. I am fragile; too easily affected by things around me that even the slightest terror and uncertainty can steal my focus and 100% from me. At times like this, I need a break from reality and hide myself in my room.

I sound like a wussy.

you are cruel, i swear. do you honestly think pulling off that kind of sick joke at times like this can actually be funny? maybe if it's at other times of my life, i will laugh my ass of my chair but darling... at times like this? i cannot believe you. what is wrong with you? you know both mean the world to me cause one of them is mandatory and the other is my passion and saying stupid things like that to someone as unstable as me seems very smart, eh. urgh, i might be exaggerating but as for this moment, i have the right to. evil monster.

Losing The Sanity... And... Lost It.

Someone already know my results. Someone. Someone already know YOUR results. It's out there- somewhere. Probably stashed away in a locked-up 465 combination code cup-board, guard by a batallion of S.W.A.T. Or maybe, it's being checked for the last time by some old bird who is half-asleep or just maybe... just maybe, the results are missing. Aaahh... Think about what that could bring.

I'm going nowhere. Not making a point. Like always.

What I'm actually trying to say is, as we speak, our results are already written and printed in ink (duh, then graphite?) and that is that. There is absolutely nothing else we can do other than pray for the best and even then, my mind is like a messed up cobweb and I'm worrying. Despite the fact that I know worrying will not bring me anywhere, I'll worry anyway. It seems like the only convenient, rational thing to do now.

Skipped college today cause I couldn't wake up in the morning at all since the last night was spend worrying away and coughing my throat out. You do realise this worrying thing is giving me enough trouble already. And if I could, I would love to remove my throat, clear it and fix it well then reinstall it. It's been giving me crazy coughs these days and you know that feeling when there is something in your chest and your throat tingling merrily and try as you might, you just cannot cough. Very much like a bitch, huh?

Anyway, spend the whole day using the laptop to try to diverge my attention to something more productive that is if you consider playing Spider Solitaire, doing weird tests and downloading music any worthy. I refuse to think about the results... I refuse to. I will just stop thinking about it... Lalala.

Okay, I am not thinking about the results but... when I reminisced my secondary school days which happen to just end about a few months ago, I remembered taking my Olevel Malay results. Then, with that thought, I froze and developed a craving for waffles. No I'm kidding, I did not freeze cause it's impossible to with this kind of temperature but I am serious about the waffles.

But I digress.

Oh, yes, Olevels Malay results. Though it was not the Class of 2007 taking the results, as I sat in the hall, listening to Mr. Lee going on and on about the performance and flash the slides and the names of those with 5 A1s, I clearly prayed that if mine was not an A1, then please let the rest get F9. No, I'm kidding again. If mine was not an A1, let me turn back time and sit for my paper again. Not kidding this time. When you hear the people cheer with results surpassing national level, you or maybe just me, I get this electric kinda thing that run all the way from my spine to my hands and that's when I tremble.

That time, amidst all the noises and familiar voices and faces, you will feel all alone.

I'm scaring myself shitless again. Why Cambridge, why?!

For now, I'm pretty stable still, able to do normal things but once tomorrow comes, I'll lose it. I probably be very unstable and restless that I may blog something totally out of the world and by that I mean nonsense. (as though all the previous posts aren't)

you might have forgotten those nights and days

The Big O

To all who took the Olevels during November session, results this Thursday, 24th Jan '08 at 2pm.

I read Atiqah's sms this morning when I was walking to the bus-stop and word is going around that results are gonna be released this Thursday. First reaction- Bullshit. Second reaction- Shit, I just cursed in the morning.

Then had some discussions with Theodora and Jia Yu about our probable results and we too, since had so much time in our hands, speculated the release date. Just when we were about to agree on 25th (as though it makes any difference with our agreement), received another sms from Sue-Ann. Thursday it is. And, you guessed it, I cursed another time.

I could not focus at all during college after the news broke and everyone was pretty much the same- restless. And as soon as the period ends, you could easily hear without eavesdropping cause that will be rude, people saying "O levels... Thursday..". During Maths Tut, I kept thinking of my binominal in O levels and tried to recall if I did everything right but the more I think of it, the more I'm somehow convinced I screwed up. So, I did what I had to do- stone throughout the whole period.

Oh, funny thing was that I was at CS then I saw this sort of toy they had and lo and behold, it is the Magic Ball. Ask anything you want and the answer will be revealed. So... being the lunatic that I've always been, I tried my luck for fun and joy. Told myself I will not be affected by an $19 bogus magic ball..

Me: Will my results be good?

Magic Ball: It's Doubtful.

*gasp*

Me: (convinced myself there has got to be some technical error) Will my results be good?

MB: The answer points to No.

I couldn't breathe... And I thought, one more time since 3 is the minimum number of time you should conduct your experiment to minimise random errors.

MB: Not able to predict.

I died then. Like I seriously wanted to just stop breathing there and then.

On a more serious note, had some talks with Mum and Dad a few days already and tried as I might to decipher the underlying message behind their encouragement, I could not. I mean, after spending tons of moolahs on my education in preparation for this 1 exam, they ought to have some expectations on me other than go JC and thus, below 20. I wanted to know what was their ideal point and what according to them is average, good and excellent.

Mum said average is 12, good is 10, excellent is 8-9.

Me: What is average to you?

Dad: (pondering real hard) I have to say... 10.

Me: What?! Okay, good?

Dad: (ponder harder than before) I have to say... 15.

Me: ....

Clearly my Dad has no idea what we were talking about all these times.

i dare you to forget all the marks you left

No Interest

Just when you thought your vast array of words and phrases and how convenient you are able to spin and twist them to distinctly potray what you genuinely feel, words fail you. That is exactly how it is when I try to put into words that surge of emotions and feelings last night with you guys. I tried to use the marvel of the language to tell you guys how I feel about you and even when I settled for simpler words, nothing seems to fit exacly what I really mean. I treasure what we have now and I pray this will go on and on. I love you.

Had a long long day out yesterday, came home at about 11ish without my voice and then I realised I have a whole stack of tutorials waiting for me. Funny how it is when I was in TK, a majority of the workload was Chemistry or maybe I did not do any other homework but Chemistry, but the same it is now I'm in MJ. Chemistry this, Chemistry that. I have 4 tutorials. 1 down, 3 more to go.

Then, there's Maths but I'm not complaining since there's very few questions and I can finish it up in half an hour so technically speaking, I could do it half an hour before lessons commence. But, I think I'll do it later.

Then, there's China. Though lectures are very interesting and engaging, I'll leave it at that.

I think my slack attitude is back probably because I know results is this Friday and that is the only thing I am looking forward to... or not for right now. Nothing seems to interest me or bother me anymore. Not even doing Mole Concept seems interesting any longer. That's how major it is.

I'm off to watch Spongebob and then eat breakfast then do my work.

Of the three tasks, only 2 of them look achievable.

I am a Gold Lion

You are Gold Lion, who is rather serious and polite type of person.
You value personal relationships.
You suppress yourself and act to be a sociable person.
But you are really a person who doesn't like to loose to anyone.
You dislike emotional atmosphere and vague attitude.
You want to make everything clear-cut.
You like to stay in your own little world.
If you get in a situation where there are lots of people you can not express yourself and act as a perfect person.
You are not very subjective sort of person, unlike ordinary women, but unfortunately you lack soft and gentle atmosphere.
You tend to be too bold.
You cannot help but stretch your hand to those who are in need.
You are very kind person who helps the weak.
You are also weak on compliments, and will work enthusiastically after someone has given a compliment.
You will go about your duty steadily and loyally, and not get in a rush to achieve the objective.
You have perseverance, and will work effortlessly until you reach your objective.
Something that you have worked steadily for a long, long time, will turn out to be an asset to the world.
You are careful and rational, and therefore place value to steady life.
After getting married, you will be a devoted mother and a wife, but you are really a very dependent person, and prefer to keep your own little world.

You could see that I have nothing better to actually do in life at this moment so I had gone ahead with the test Hassy recommended. To be honest, this test is the first one that I've come across that is pretty much accurate so if you want to try this out, it's here.

Found it on Hassy's blog so yeah, thanks Has. And for yesterday night too. And the fries and my fishball you've been eyeing since I put the first strand of noodle in my mouth. :)

If only tests like this reveal your L1R5, internet will be a much better place.

dreamt of the nightmare one more night

Be Nice Avogadro

I am back one more time to the procastination mode that I was in since forever. It's just one of those feelings you get when you have so many things to do and you know you have to do them but you are just to lazy to even move a muscle. That's how bad it is.

I have Chem tutorial corrections to do and speaking of that, I really find it hard to abandon my old method of doing things to replace to the new ones. Like for example, I always make it a habit to write chemical equations and it is a must after that to use our mole ratio and such. Somehow, my tutor finds it odd that I am doing all that cause I'll be wasting time though I get the same result. New method is okay la, not like it's so different from what Mrs Tan had taught us but it's just that I have established a system for myself to do things and it has proved to work time and again and I am comfortable with it. So, just the thought of having to abolish that familiar system for a new one is very very very... ambitious.

Then there is Maths Tutorial, Physics Lecture notes that I have to read through and also read Time to source articles related to China. Maths tutorial done already and that is as far as it goes.

I am just very tired to do anything productive today. I want to sleep some more. And, training is at 3 tomorrow. Not complaining.. not complaining...

Had Compass today, something equivalent to FT period in TK and we got to know our CG mates lot lot better. Dr. Vaz is really caring about welfare and he is very passionate about Physcis and he knows his substance really well. Played a round of TruthorDare during Compass and all I can say is that we need to find better questions than "What is your favourite book?" eh, Eugene?

I am the CG rep = Chairman. Thanks eh, Eugene (again). Thanks a lot.

Found myself distracted for a while during Physcis and Maths lecture, maybe it's the medicine that I'm taking. And yes, had a mini Chemistry timed-MCQ exercise and alamak, after eons of not racing against time just to make sense of the chemistry behind the questions, I struggled man. Ain't a good feeling. I passed but bad pass.

Chemistry better be better for me from now or else I may live a passion-less live.

Olevels results, please have mercy on me.

I think I'm too sleepy that's why I am typing paragraph by paragraph of things that hardly make sense.

forget me, it's that simple

Humping Bees

While the rest of the people head on to the LT and fill their brains with something worthwhile, I am at home typing this out and contemplating on sleeping after I am done with this post. Tell me, who is the winner here? Hah.

Woke up today and the fever has subsided a lot and my bones are still aching but not as aggresively like they were yesterday but the head still has that humping thang going on and my throat, well, my throat is officialy gone case. I could not even swallow my own saliva and being the ingenious person that I have always been, I thought drinking something hot would do the trick. And, when I was thinking of something with a very high temperature but still consumable, it did not occur to me of the miraculous effect of warm plain water thus I went on drinking hot Nescafe.

Now, not only is more sore throat really sore and I think someone is humping in my head, my throat is beginning to act like a real bitch and I'm beginning to be convinced that a bee has flown into my ear and up to my brain and found a mating partner there and as we speak, they are making babies. Perfect, perfect day.

Anyway, I think results will not be out this Friday especially since Atiqah has wholesale-ly copied a whole paragraph from the Cambridge website that said, results will be given to the centres on 21st Jan and the most probable date of the result will be 25th obviously. So, there you go. Live another week of your life with sheer torture.

I kinda wanted the results to be this Friday but at the same time, I don't really want to, You know, that kinda feeling that you get like you really want something but there's a voice at the back of your head reminding you of the dire consequences. Something like that...

Okay, I can hear my pillow calling me. I'm coming.

giving up something familiar for the unknown

Soccer Fever

I have a fever and influenza. And, 2 days MC while I'm at that.

I am secretly happy and satisfied and glad that I have a fever so I can skip a few days of college. But, now that I told you I am happy and satisfied and glad, this is no longer a secret, eh?

Anyhoo, my throat hurts so much. My bones and muscles hurt very much too. And, my head is pulsating and throbbing like as though someone is humping real hard in my head. Okay, slightly inappropriate but that is the best I can go to illustrate the immense agony I am suffering from at this very moment.

Funny how I wished I had fever just last Saturday. I wanted so much to have a fever and some sore here and there since the last time I had those were a few months back, before Prelims I think. Crazy, I know but it's those kind of thing that gives you so much excruating pain that when it's gone, you just wish it'd stay for a while more. Like Geography lessons, for example- simple yet apt.

Don't blame whatever I've just written on the drugs cause I've not consumed any. I just refuse to take all the medication and you would too if you were me la. The pills are like fat ass yellow pill and orange circular pill that somehow tries to fool you for candy. Then, there is also the lozenges for my gone-case throat. I know you are supposed to suck on it then you'll taste a bitter-sweet kinda thing but hell, scrape the sweet away la! All I taste is bile though I've never tasted bile before.

Bodoh, man.

But I have 2days MC so nothing else can wreck the next 2 days of my life. Nothing, you hear me.

On a more sensible and sane note, I have already gotten my CCA. Soccer, it is. The whole time I played soccer it was like no holds barred and there were no rules to abide nor was there any strategy to follow. Like always, I just whack and whack the ball and when I'm lucky I score, when the other player is unlucky, I whack his leg. So, there you go, my history of professional soccer.

Told Kai Hui that I'll die if I have CCA on Monday or Wednesday or Friday cause these are the days I get to go home earlier than usual. And as though my life is already too impeccable and not a screwed-up mess, trainings are on Monday and Friday. Thanks eh, thank you.

Oh, I am so bloody scared that results will be this Friday since word has been going around. Must watch news tomorrow to check on the reliability of these sources. Hmm, oddly familiar...

another day is going by and still waiting

Don't Make Sense

Today is Sunday. I guess you would have already known that by now. If today is Sunday, that means, the day after will be Monday. Hmm... Something is not right with that day. I don't know what but there is certainly something evil that is brewing with that kinda name (Monday).

Damn it la. Tomorrow there's school. AGAIN.

Whoever was the one that created this school system deserves to be shot. No, I don't mean that seriously. But yes, you get what I mean. When all the things you do are the same as those you did the day before, how more exciting can it possibly get? No, actually, I was not even trying to complain about that.

What I really wanted to say was, I hate waking up in the morning knowing that I have another choice which is to not wake up and continue sleeping but somehow, that does not usually happen and I always find myself dragging my feet to the bathroom and then, I wonder why I did not pick the second choice.

I am just really not looking forward to Monday. But I like Friday and Saturday. Not really Sunday. But certainly not Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday. They sound awful.

Anyway, to something else of more content and meaning. We already had our timetable and tomorrow, I will have 3 lessons. Yipee! No, not being sarcastic, I swear. With all the breaks I have been getting while in college when I could actually reward myself the same span of breaks only with better and conducive environment that is due for breaks by staying at home, I am looking forward to studying tomorrow.

Physics, Maths, CSE. I'll live without Chemistry for a while.

i hardly make sense these days

Wating For Saturday

Finally finally finally. I've been waiting for Saturday since last Sunday night because I know I can slack my ass off today. I know I've said this a gazillion times during the holiday period about how much I wish there was something productive for me to do but right now, all I want is my holidays back. I am never satisfied.

Anyway, we met our CT yesterday during the last slot of the day and holy, I tell you, just the sound of his name can blow you off your feet, can cause your heart to skip a beat. Okay, I'm bullshitting again. His name is very charming almost reminded me of those men in Greece that went around with their medieval armour. Joseph Valentine Vaz. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I tell you he is a Dr? Yeah, address him this way -----> Dr. Vaz. Sexy shit, I tell you. Strictly his name, darling.

Like I've said, our CG has a pathetic total strength of 13 but everyone is so warm and friendly and I've gotten myself used to them already. So, 13 people in a fairly big classroom and 1 tutor with an interesting name, that means hell fun.

2 weeks only and I have so many things to be done. Take Chemistry for example, we have 28 long questions on Mole Concept to be completed by Monday before 9.25am. And, yesterday though I was beat after roaming Vivo after school, I stayed up quite a bit to finish up everything and now, I am almost a free man. Then, there is Physics. We have to attempt a few questions before tutorial on Monday and mine fall on the first period so that makes another one. And, China Studies is another thing. I don't know if my relationship with Mao has to always be this way where at the start it is all blurred and covered with ambiguity but hell, I am feeling that one more time. So, I have to read up the notes before tutorial on Monday. Maths is pretty fine since I've completed Partial Fractions during break but I can see that the future looks bleak. Hah, as usual la.

But, I'm not complaining since the majority of the workload is on Chemistry and we all know there is nothing more I could ever wish for than having Chemistry homework as my partner for the night. I think I'm not getting enough sleep, that's why. Or maybe too much sleep.

Word is going around that release of O level results is on the 25th Jan but some others say on the 18th. Either way, it's shit early and I'm not mentally geared yet. There are so many scenarios to be considered almost like Permutation and Combination and even then no matter how much I permutate the situations, it still spells SHIT.

Decisions have to be made. This and that. Ah, bloody, I'm still a child la dey.

Mr Lee: Imagine all of you are Newton wannabe and Newton is not around yet... He is still swimming.

Physics joke cannot be any funnier.

you bite the dust

Funny Bunny

This will be a quick one.

God, I am so very shagged beyond shagged-ness that as I'm typing out my words, my eyes are gradually closing and right now, the words are blur. Had floorball trial just now and turned out bad for me but Kai Hui got in. Shamini and I apparently with some others had no eye-hand coordination and played the game by our own rules, I think. Pretty funny stuff. But, the game was good and managed to score 1 goal through my no-skill 'whacking'.

So, now I have to choose other CCAs and my first choice was still floorball. Haven't you heard that persistence do pay? Then, it's soccer and odac. I think, for soccer I might not have eye-leg coordination too since the whole time I played is by our own rules. This is what living in Loserville seems like la. But, worst come to worst, my last choice is Debate Society. Nothing bad about the society but other than the physical things I can do, my mouth can work too.

Gee, that does not sound right.

Anyway, lectures in MJ seems to appeal a lot lot lot more to me now and I actually look forward to lectures than breaks. I think maybe because there are more 3 hours breaks than there are 1 hour lectures. It's a natural thing la. Chemistry is still easy-peasy now and Moles is my favourite topic so I find myself drifting off a little during lectures. The Science HOD is really like Mr Tan Kee Hoe just that in MJC, she has much longer hair and horizontally smaller. Ignore that, I'm really sleepy. But, she does go around and walk in the LT to check on our work and say this and that... very much like Mr Tan la.

Me: Is this a typo? (pointing to "s.t.p" printed on tutorial)

Colin: No, not typo. It's standard temperature pressure.

Hwee Kiat: (turns and look at me) Typo? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I was only aware of the existence of r.t.p at that point. Forgive my ignorance.

Physics lecture is something I look forward to. Funny lecturer, good lesson, happy me.

Mr Lee: (sitting on the stage, waiting for us to finish copying) I suddenly feel like singing.

Us: (giggles)

Mr Lee: I won't la. Later JAE no students in H2 Physics.

Us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Another one,

Mr Lee: Imagine all of you are Newton wannabes and you have no knowledge at all about Physics.

Us: (silence)

Mr Lee: (halfway thru the explanation) ... but we KNOW that acceleration due to gravity...

Us: But, you don't know anything!

Mr Lee: (silence) I set the rule.

Funny man.

gone

Second Day of College

It amazes me every time when I go blog-hopping and I see that the person has updated his/her blog religiously even during a school day. It really is an enigma where they acquire that much energy to stay awake when they are surrounded by the comfort within their home. I, for sure, had for many times and still will for many many times to come, succumb to the great pleasure of just closing your eyes, letting your mind drift wherever it chooses to and eventually, feel nothing at all. That, is sleeping, to me.

Anyway, today is the second day lessons had started proper in MJC and everything is going well so far. In fact, I think it's going better than I thought it would. But still, 2 days is not enough to really have a very good feel of JC education life or for this matter, the study culture in MJC. Hopefully, everything progresses in this manner for the days ahead or turn even better so I'll enjoy my PAE.

Chemistry lecture was the best for me. Now, I really don't know if it's just because I am really inclined towards Chemistry and am madly, deeply in love with it but everywhere I go, it seems to appeal to me more than anything. Even the lecturer, I thought was pretty good like Mrs Tan and Mr Tan and just nice for me to catch whatever she is saying. We are on Mole Concept, the first chapter of the syllabus and just using dividing the mass by the Mr of the compound brought back so much fond memories of Chemistry in TK. Mrs Tan, in Sec 3, trying to get us to understand the concept and Mr Tan Kee Hoe in the auditorium, in Sec 4, during the revision period. Those days...

Mathematics lecture and Physics lecture was hell interesting too and coming from me, it is a biggie. Like seriously, how on earth can Physics be interesting? And Maths, fun? Get real. Maybe it's just because it is the starting of the year and everything is rather simple and fundemental so if it is not difficult, there is no reason to hate it, eh?

Physics Lecturer: Who are those people at the back of the LT?

Teacher: They are observers for the lecture.

PL: Oh, so you guys also heard about Andy Lau being here, ah? That's me.

Oh, yes. My class is 08S204 and it is the smallest class for the whole cohort, I think. Only 14 people altogether but they are all lovelies. Very very nice people with similar passion and desire to learn and have fun. We had close to 4 hours of break today and the girls decided to study at the Library and some of the guys were at the lower level and Eugene was watching White Chicks on the Computer. Hah, fun people. Really hope to get to know all of them better.

First day of school, I crashed H2 Lit lecture just because I couldn't wait until 12 something to feel my ass on the LT chairs and feeling for myself the air-conditioner. Nothing special, like you would have guessed but the Lit lecturer was uber cute and hilarious. If only all lecturers were like that...

Tomorrow is CCA Day. Kai Hui and I trying for floorball. Both have no experience whatsoever.

i will let go bit by bit

I Take It All Back

I feel something now. And, it's not a good feeling.

Remember how I said I felt nothing after I got my PAE results and how I wished I would actually feel something no matter how it feels? I take it back. I take it ALL back.

It would have helped and relieved a lot of pain if I had continued feeling nothing at all. Just indifferent, ignorant and that same I-don't-give-2-hoots kinda thing. Not that I live by that kind of attitude but at times like these, when nothing seems to interest you or merely be a source of entertainment for your boredom, you tend to generate a really terrible feeling about that whole event and I don't like being the one who hates events that have been carefully planned out and thought of, but yesterday, I was the one.

It really is an injustice that I feel that way because I did, from the first minute I was there, I met people who are so warm and friendly and funny and even a few of them are in the same wavelength as I am. We clicked instantly and the OGLS, they were the darlings, honestly. They made sure we had the fun we were supposed to get and ensured our welfare was well taken care of. Sporting, zesty and all those nice things you can think of... that is what they are. Then, there was the Student Council. A few of them made their presence felt and I grew to like one of them in a short time span of 10 hours. Okay, I'm lying... long time span. Ridiculously long.

And, you could see, really that these people, aside from their academic obligations, they have to plan out all these events, games, dances and ways to ra-ra the crowd. And, it's really a noble thing, I thought and to plan all these is one thing, but to materialise it into that same exciting plan that was hovering in their mind, is another thing. I can safely say they have accomplished both.

The last thing these people need is someone who doesn't like all the activities that have been planned out meticulouly and carried out with great punch of energy and think of the whole affair as something dreadful and tragic.

But what can I do, I'm just a helpless 16 years old who just so happens to loathe the thought of orientations and still would not like it no matter how many cheers and feer-stomping you can do in 10 hours. Sure, I'll shout along with you, stomp my feet and clap my hand till they are numb and feel the adrenaline pumping from the cheers and jeers of the opposing teams- all under the pretext of "Team Spirit". But, to sincerly love all that? That's like moving a mountain.

Maybe, it's just that I'm missing TK too much and I'm always having trouble to let go and move on. It still doesn't help to see my school mates scattered all over the place and stoning when in TK, they would be in their own clique and stoning and keeping quiet is the last thing they and I would do. It's really an awful feeling to feel the familiar coldness of the hall's floor but when you turn around, familiar faces are not what you see. Then, you have to make friends.

I'm just really pessimistic about all these right now and I'm not even in the mood to even try to be an optimist. But, I'll grow out of it, I promise.

And, Julia, if you are reading this, I've read your blog. Just so you know, I'll miss you a terrible lot and don't think you are someone insignificant to me! You are one of my closest Upper Sec friends and I love you. I want to be in the TK Hall again; all of us talking about that steamy erotic novels, remember? Or maybe at Astons, discussing the *censored* thing? I love you. And all these mushy things, you will only read it. Now, don't expect me to say it out!

all that's left are memories

2008 As It Is

Now, I really don't what this to sound as it will sound later in the post. But, pardon me for I am just another helpless being who is in constant need to whine and complain and have the right to at least pretend that the world actually cares and that everything gravitates around me. Nyeh.

This is gonna be ugly.

I spent the last day of my 2007 with an IT guy whom I only knew through the phone the day before but had to sit in front on him with my laptop in between us and just sit and pretend that I did not give 2 hoots that when it got reformatted, I will lose everything there is on my laptop simply because I was ignorant and thought it was silly, redundant, pointless and too hyped up to actually keep a back-up. Now, don't go judging me, sister.

And now, the first day of 2008, I had to wake up to my hamsters fighting in their own home and Frabbles bled from his mouth and when I was away, looking for Baby Johnson's Wipe to clearly wipe his mouth... POOF. And, he disappeared. Then, we had to spend what seems to be endless hours when it was just actually 5 minutes to look for that white-ass boy who was entertaining himself by bitting away the bags under the closet. I missed my Aston's and ECP because of that white-ass hamster boy.

Then, I had to sit in front of my laptop once again with episodes of yesterday reminding me to actually back the hell of and move on with something productive but being the usual obstinate me, I sit on and installed my Microsoft while multi-tasking; cleaning up my room and finding a spot to put my speakers. And, while I was doing all that, I had to keep pressing "Restart Later" button from the update windows that kept popping up; enjoying its ability to further annoy my annoyed self.

Then, here comes the big then, to my horror and disappointment and regret and fury, I discovered I have misplaced my Samsung YP-P2 installation CD and I cannot even pull out even a fragment of my memory to assist me in searching for what seems to be a futile search.

And, finally, here I am bulling everything, seeking solace from typing all these out and still having to click the "Restart Later" button. Oh, and it is not even half a day gone yet. Still 12:48pm and I simply could not have wished for a better day.

I could actually.

I pray that your start to 2008 was way way way better than mine, which is actually not that difficult especially if you are not an IT noob, keep your things organised and have a back-up for everything else and do not have a hamster who's doing drugs with a bleeding mouth.

But, on the upside, I started my new year by... eating Prata. Yes, at 12am 010108, I was eating Prata at Mr.Prata. Doing it the old school way...

I congratulate you if you have reached thus far in this post but I am deeply and most sincerely regretful if you have had any trauma along the way.

damn all those updates