I Take It All Back

I feel something now. And, it's not a good feeling.

Remember how I said I felt nothing after I got my PAE results and how I wished I would actually feel something no matter how it feels? I take it back. I take it ALL back.

It would have helped and relieved a lot of pain if I had continued feeling nothing at all. Just indifferent, ignorant and that same I-don't-give-2-hoots kinda thing. Not that I live by that kind of attitude but at times like these, when nothing seems to interest you or merely be a source of entertainment for your boredom, you tend to generate a really terrible feeling about that whole event and I don't like being the one who hates events that have been carefully planned out and thought of, but yesterday, I was the one.

It really is an injustice that I feel that way because I did, from the first minute I was there, I met people who are so warm and friendly and funny and even a few of them are in the same wavelength as I am. We clicked instantly and the OGLS, they were the darlings, honestly. They made sure we had the fun we were supposed to get and ensured our welfare was well taken care of. Sporting, zesty and all those nice things you can think of... that is what they are. Then, there was the Student Council. A few of them made their presence felt and I grew to like one of them in a short time span of 10 hours. Okay, I'm lying... long time span. Ridiculously long.

And, you could see, really that these people, aside from their academic obligations, they have to plan out all these events, games, dances and ways to ra-ra the crowd. And, it's really a noble thing, I thought and to plan all these is one thing, but to materialise it into that same exciting plan that was hovering in their mind, is another thing. I can safely say they have accomplished both.

The last thing these people need is someone who doesn't like all the activities that have been planned out meticulouly and carried out with great punch of energy and think of the whole affair as something dreadful and tragic.

But what can I do, I'm just a helpless 16 years old who just so happens to loathe the thought of orientations and still would not like it no matter how many cheers and feer-stomping you can do in 10 hours. Sure, I'll shout along with you, stomp my feet and clap my hand till they are numb and feel the adrenaline pumping from the cheers and jeers of the opposing teams- all under the pretext of "Team Spirit". But, to sincerly love all that? That's like moving a mountain.

Maybe, it's just that I'm missing TK too much and I'm always having trouble to let go and move on. It still doesn't help to see my school mates scattered all over the place and stoning when in TK, they would be in their own clique and stoning and keeping quiet is the last thing they and I would do. It's really an awful feeling to feel the familiar coldness of the hall's floor but when you turn around, familiar faces are not what you see. Then, you have to make friends.

I'm just really pessimistic about all these right now and I'm not even in the mood to even try to be an optimist. But, I'll grow out of it, I promise.

And, Julia, if you are reading this, I've read your blog. Just so you know, I'll miss you a terrible lot and don't think you are someone insignificant to me! You are one of my closest Upper Sec friends and I love you. I want to be in the TK Hall again; all of us talking about that steamy erotic novels, remember? Or maybe at Astons, discussing the *censored* thing? I love you. And all these mushy things, you will only read it. Now, don't expect me to say it out!

all that's left are memories