Screwed

To do well in Os, you need knowledge. You need the effort and you need a bit of luck.

Had the knowledge. Put in the effort. Had luck. Cancel that. Bad luck.

You know, the whole time people told me there will be people who know their content well and went the extra mile but at the end of the day, they just lost the battle. Just like that. No rhyme, no reason- they were defeated.

And this whole time, never never did it cross my mind I could be one of them. Insecured? Yes. But to honestly screw up? No.

Yesterday, I was one of them. Today, I still am. Tomorrow, I still will be.

I will live with this for the rest of my life- the girl who screwed up her Os.

I kept reflecting last night about my Os. Where did I go wrong? What did I not do or for that matter, what did I do to screw up this badly? When you put in all the effort, your sweat, your tears and your blood, screwing up was never an option. But, screwed up, I did.

When I got my result slip, I told myself I'll accept whatever they give me and move on with my life. I told myself I had to be strong even if it was not an A1 for Chemistry. Then, I got the result slip and I looked at my Chemistry grade and that was the end for me. That split second, I was in denial. My world crashed on me and everything was bleak. I did not even bother to look at my other subjects' grades cause the one subject that I really wanted, I really sacrificed for, it slipped from my grip. Nothing else mattered.

Saying to accept it and move on is one thing. To really accept it and move on is another.

Fiza said I cried, threatening to flood Singapore. Natasha said I was a passionate crier (for the lack of better word). But I was just crying cause I failed to control my emotions and I failed myself. All it took was A2 for Chemistry to steal my sanity away.

Then, there was Geography. For this I really did not know what to feel. If you had not known by now, I am Geograpy arch enemy... until now, apparently. All those tests and exams in TK, I merely got C6 and on better days, I win a C5 for myself. Prelims I had B4 and I swear, I was the happiest goober on the planet. But now, O levels, bloody Cambridge gave me A1. A fucking A1. And, I never even had a B3 all my life.

They gave me A1 for Geog and they gave me A2 for almost everything. Thanks, eh, Cambridge.

I will trade my Geog grade with Chemistry any day.

Come to think of it, 7As and 2Bs aren't that bad la. 11 points raw and after bonus I get 8 points. Pretty okay, I guess. It's just that my life orbits around Chemistry and after giving all that I'm worth to it, I failed myself.

My best was not good enough.

Anyway, thank you to you guys who stood by me yesterday. I really don't what I've done if you guys weren't there. Thank you, loves.

And, congrats to all those who got their name called out and to Class of 2007 for raising the standard yet again. We did really great! :)

I need time to wallow in self-pity then I'll move on.

and you, i guess you were right the first time, the second time, the third time. all the time. your joke the other day was a reflection of my life today. maybe that night, you already knew or you probably knew all along that a1 was never meant to be mine. i could only desire for it. but it's you that gave me the passion for it and your faith and your belief in me was all i needed. and i had them so i thank you. i have so many things to say to you but i just dont know how. i love you in a strange way. i love you all the same, beeswax.